Sometimes I just need to write.

Sometimes I just need to write. I usually have a journal I leave by my bed, but my book has taken over my journal. So this post, just so you all know, is purely all me. Not to be entertaining in the least.
Over the last few days I have learned quite a bit, gotten depressed quite a bit, been a little happy over some things, then I flew right back to depressed. This is part of the reason I like being in a book world. Real world poop doesn't take over my mind. I love to read. Sometimes I read and I go to bed and my brain starts making scenes in which are most definitely are not in the book. This happening over and over led me to start writing my own books. I currently have 4 in the making on computer. And a brief description for another.
I am pursing only one at the moment to finish and publish.

This publishing a book thing is the scariest thing I've ever done and I haven't even done it yet. I'm so stressed out about it. The more I research the more I want to keep on keeping on but wondering if I'll ever get there. I keep wondering if I should even try at all. I know that doesn't make sense because I totally contradicted myself, but it's true.

I write slowly. My book, I mean. I take my time and figure out what's going to happen and I may only write a thousand words a day over a period of a week. I should say that I different way. I type only a thousand words in a week. I write scenes in my journal all week long. This way I can edit it or redo my scene any way I like. Plus, I just like handwriting my work. I don't know why, I just do. This doesn't mean my book isn't constantly on my mind. My brain is constantly working. But this also doesn't mean I'm a good writer or storyteller. I try. That is all I can say.

My mom isn't much of a reader, she never has been. So when I let her read one of my scenes today, she finished, and just sat my journal down gingerly. Then she didn't say anything. This made me feel very very unworthy of writing. I wanted to cry. I hate to say it, but I am an emotional person. I can't help it, I am. I like to take critique of my work. I want to know if it sucks and if I need to try again.
My style has almost transformed completely from the time I started my current book to 40,000 words later.

So, what do I do? What did it mean? I don't know. My mom is my best friend and I'll take everything she can give me and I'll try to give it right back if I can. My mom and I have the best relationship. But don't mistake me, we go through our ups and down just we should. We fight and we resolve, just like we should. We are not perfect but we are mother and daughter. I love my mom.
She proceeds to tell me that she has nothing to compare it to. She cannot critique my work.
You know what this tells me? She hates it. My heart can't help but sink. My husband doesn't like my work, my mom apparently doesn't like my work. My cousin who is supposed to be reading my current material is refusing to get back to me and the other person who is reading my material seems to just agree on everything, not giving me hardly any feedback at all.
Right now, I'm in a pit of despair. Or at least that's the way my heart feels.
I feel like I can't do anything right except read some awesomely awesome books and go into another world to escape mine.
But my world is amazing. I'm just not happy at the moment. I know I'll get over it. Because life happens.
If I have to write and rewrite, I will.
If I have to spend a fortune (that I definitely do not have), I'll do it. (well, maybe not).
What I won't do is give up.
I've given up or been pushed to quit many things in my short life. I've tried many things because I want to find my place in this world. Where do I go from here? How can I make my life what I want it to be?

I'll tell you this. When I publish my book. I want you to read it, then I want you to review it, even if it sucks. I'll read your review and take your critique. After that, I do one more thing, I'll try to learn from it.
If my book doesn't sell, it will not be because I didn't try. I will try. I will keep trying.
I do not have perfect skills. I do not have perfect grammar. I do not always spell words correctly. Well, who cares. I will try to correct my non-perfect skills and I will try to correct my non-perfect grammar. I will use the spell check and I'll try to find my misuse of there, their and they're. Yes I know the difference, but it doesn't mean I won't screw it up.
So, what about you? Will you keep trying to do all the things you want to do? I hope so. I hope that I have the courage to keep on keeping on. When my book comes out. I pray that even if I only sell one or two books, I'll feel like a success.

I'm not writing for money. To be honest, I'm not even writing for you. I'm writing for me. I hope there will come a time when I can say I'm writing for the fans. Even if that never happens, I just hope I can continue to grow and to learn. That is what I'm going to do.

Thankfully my son is asleep, so I don't have to deal with him while I'm wallowing in my self pity. I'll get over myself soon enough.

Thanks for reading, even if it's only one person.
Thank you,

J.L.